Codependency

Respect is important in all human relationships. Philosopher Immanuel Kant argued that everyone deserves basic respect just by being human. But what exactly is respect? Respect, also known as esteem, is an attitude or behaviour demonstrating admiration for someone or something held in high esteem. It is also the process of honouring someone by demonstrating care, concern, or consideration for their needs or feelings.

All of us have an intense desire to be loved and nurtured. The need to be loved, could be considered one of our most basic and fundamental needs. The term “love” refers to more than just romantic love; it also refers to love between a parent and a child, love between brothers and sisters, and love given by a person to an animal, but we will focus on romantic love in this series. Intimacy, or the need to be physically close to someone, is a common expression of love.

According to Mental Health America, codependency is a learned behaviour that often starts very early in life and is passed down within families. In fact, it is common to find multiple generations of codependent parents raising codependent children. Codependency is when people place other people at the centre of their lives, struggle and strive for the approval of others, and have no sense of self. Codependents are also people who struggle with setting boundaries and have extreme difficulty expressing or identifying what they want and need.

There is significant scientific evidence that shame is linked to addiction and plays a central role in developing and maintaining addictions and compulsions. One of the hardest things about dealing with addiction is the overwhelming sense of shame that often comes with it. Shame is not just a one-time occurrence for those who struggle with addiction; it is something that is experienced almost daily. Sometimes, the shame can feel constant and although you can’t visibly see or tangibly touch shame, it is a persistent companion for many.

In relationships, shame is a sabotaging force. Some people with deep shame issues find they have a fear of intimacy. So, they jump from one relationship to the next, or stay in one relationship but with an exhausting pattern of ‘push & pull’. In some cases, shame can lead you to stay in codependent or even abusive relationships, confirming your shameful notion you are not worthy of good things such as love. Socially, you may find you struggle to be fully yourself, always acting happier than you are, or that you have constant conflict with others that comes from your shame driven tendency to be defensive. Shame can lead to friendships with individuals who do not recognise or treat you well or relationships where you meet the needs of others and avoid your own needs.

Fear of shame is our fear of being shamed again by our boss, partner, family members, friends or parents. It has much greater control of our lives than shame itself. ​We may be afraid to hear about our mistakes or shortcomings and, in turn, become defensive or critical, possibly avoiding or lying about a situation. We become terrified of being discounted or abandoned. We control others out of fear of their disappointment or anger with us. The shame we fear most is the same type of shame we experienced in our childhood.

According to Jantz (2017), body-shaming is the act of deriding or mocking a person’s physical appearance. The scope of body shaming is wide, and can include, although is not limited to fat-shaming, shaming for thinness, height-shaming, shaming of one’s body shape, one’s muscularity (or lack thereof), shaming of looks (facial features), and in its broadest sense may even include shaming of tattoos and piercings.

The feeling of shame comes from the belief that “I am basically flawed, inadequate, wrong, bad, unimportant, undeserving or not good enough.” At some early point in our lives, most of us absorbed this false belief that causes the feeling of shame. As a result of not feeling seen, loved, valued and understood, we developed the belief that we were not being loved because there was something wrong with us. While some children were told outright that they were stupid, bad or undeserving; other children concluded that there was something wrong with them by the way they were treated.

While the words “guilt” and “shame “are used almost interchangeably, there is a big psychological difference. Shame has long been viewed as “the toxic cousin of guilt. Although shame is an emotion that is closely related to guilt, it is important to understand the differences. Both shame and guilt can have serious implications for our perceptions of ourselves and our actions towards other people, especially in situations of conflict.

Shame is a powerful emotion that has the potential to shape peoples’ lives in significant ways. Shame is so powerful that it can impact the whole trajectory of a person’s life. Because of shame’s power, it is important to understand the specific impact it has on people. In addition, it is important to consider the way out of shame.

Because of its preverbal origins, shame can be difficult to define. Shame is a normal human emotion. In itself, shame is not bad. In fact, it is necessary to have the feeling of shame if one is to be truly human. Shame is the emotion that allows us to be human; it also informs us of our limitations. Shame keeps us in our human boundaries, letting us know we can and will make mistakes, and that we need help (Bradshaw, 2005). Healthy shame is the psychological foundation of humility. It is the source of being a healthy human being.

According to Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA), enmeshment occurs in relationships between people who have not developed their own clear identities and/or boundaries. Each person’s sense of wholeness and self-worth is intertwined with those of the other person. When we look to another person to define our values and accept their needs, feelings, or opinions as our own, we are enmeshed. Statements of enmeshment such as, “I’d die without you,” “You’re my everything,” “Without you, I’m nothing,” “I need you,” or “You make me whole” are found in everyday conversations.