Codependency

According to Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA), enmeshment occurs in relationships between people who have not developed their own clear identities and/or boundaries. Each person’s sense of wholeness and self-worth is intertwined with those of the other person. When we look to another person to define our values and accept their needs, feelings, or opinions as our own, we are enmeshed. Statements of enmeshment such as, “I’d die without you,” “You’re my everything,” “Without you, I’m nothing,” “I need you,” or “You make me whole” are found in everyday conversations.

Many people battle an inner voice or a feeling that tells them they are not good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough. This inner voice or feeling is the barrier that keeps many people from experiencing wholeness and happiness. These inner voices usually come from our early life experiences that are internalised and taken in as ways we think about ourselves. Many of these negative voices often come from our parents or primary caregivers. Parental attitudes are the most powerful social influences that a child encounters during their formative years. Children pick up on their parents’ negative attitudes towards their children as well as themselves. These voices can also come from interactions with peers and siblings or influential adults.

The American English Dictionary defines self-discovery as follows: “a becoming aware of one’s true potential, character, and motives.” The most significant adventure of our lives is discovering who we really are. So many people in our world feel overwhelmed, lonely, and unfulfilled. They feel empty because they have lost connection with themselves. Self-discovery is a journey in which we seek to fully understand ourselves, our values, our likes and dislikes, hobbies that interest us, characteristics that we value, and people with whom we want to surround ourselves.

According to Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA), detachment is a conscious act of self-care. We choose to disengage emotionally from people and/or leave situations that could harm us. Detaching allows us to emotionally and/or physically separate ourselves from people, events, and places in order to gain a healthy, objective point of view. If we don’t like the behaviour of others, we can detach, recognising that we are separate from them with our own distinct identity and set of boundaries. We endeavour to detach with love and respect for ourselves and others, especially when detaching from family or friends. Even though we care, we remember that we are not responsible for other people’s behaviours, nor are they responsible for our well-being.

According to Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA), detachment is a conscious act of self-care. We choose to disengage emotionally from people and/or leave situations that could harm us. Detaching allows us to emotionally and/or physically separate ourselves from people, events, and places in order to gain a healthy, objective point of view. If we don’t like the behaviour of others, we can detach, recognising that we are separate from them with our own distinct identity and set of boundaries. We endeavour to detach with love and respect for ourselves and others, especially when detaching from family or friends. Even though we care, we remember that we are not responsible for other people’s behaviours, nor are they responsible for our well-being.

In our society, we are taught to find our happiness from external sources such as our job, wealth, fame, honour, power or a relationship. Only when we seek pleasure from these external sources alone, do we struggle to find acceptance and happiness.

According to Shepard (1979), self-acceptance is an individual’s satisfaction or happiness with oneself and is thought to be necessary for good mental health. Acknowledging and accepting one’s own strengths and weaknesses, as well as being willing to accept one’s own imperfections, are all prerequisites for self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is the ability to accept yourself as you are instead of how you wish you were, or how you wish others perceive you.

Self-acceptance is exactly what its name suggests: the state of complete acceptance of oneself. True self-acceptance is embracing who you are without any qualifications, conditions, or exceptions. This definition emphasises the importance of accepting all facets of the self. It is not enough to embrace what is good, valuable, or positive about yourself; in order to embody true self-acceptance, you must also embrace what is less desirable about yourself. If you’re thinking that accepting all the negative aspects of yourself sounds difficult—you’re not wrong! It’s not easy to accept the things that we desperately want to change about ourselves; however, it is only by truly accepting ourselves that we can begin the process of meaningful self-improvement.

The key to happiness is meeting our needs. Although co-dependents are very good at meeting the needs of other people, they struggle to take care of their own needs. They have problems identifying, expressing, and fulfilling their needs and wants. They may be very attuned to the needs and desires of other people, even anticipating them. They become so accustomed to accommodating others that they lose touch with their own needs and desires over time.

What if someone asks you, “Who are you?” The automatic response is to provide your name and occupation. You believe you have answered the question by providing your name and the nature of your work. Often the answer is not who you are but what you do. Many people struggle to answer the question “Who are you?” because they don’t know themselves. There is a deeper level of self-identity that is rooted in the truth of who you truly are, your authentic self. Your authentic self is the sum of all your skills, talents, and wisdom, and it extends beyond what you do for a living, what possessions you own, who you are to someone, or what you do for a living.

If you have co-dependent traits, you’re probably wondering how in the world you can change these patterns and stop being co-dependent. Co-dependency, like life, occurs along a continuum. Most people are taught that there are two choices in life-the right way and the wrong way.

When people acknowledge that they may have codependent characteristics, they often begin to wonder how these co-dependent tendencies originated. Why do some people feel insecure in all of their relationships? What causes co-dependency? Why is it so difficult to break free from co-dependent relationships? While the answers aren’t the same for everyone, it begins in childhood for most people.