Supporting Articles.

Many people experience a lot of resistance to the idea of self-compassion. Many people think of self-compassion as letting themselves off the hook, as if self-judgment is the only way to get better. But negative self-judgment and self-blaming can actually act as an obstacle to self-improvement. The more shame and guilt you feel about your past actions and behaviors, the more your self-esteem is lowered and the less likely it is you will feel motivated to change. And without self-compassion, your level of shame will cause you to defend yourself from taking on more shame by refusing to see your faults and not being open to criticism or correction.

Compassion is often something that is hard for many of us. Self-compassion is about showing yourself genuine concern, care, and love. Being self-compassionate is not something we are taught about or talk about a lot, and so it can carry some negative connotations. The concept of self-compassion puts some people off because they believe it is too “touchy-feely.” Yet practicing self-compassion can significantly increase our happiness and wellbeing.

The old saying goes, “You are your own worst critic”. Most of us are very hard on ourselves, especially if we get even the slightest hint that we don’t “match up” in some way – in our accomplishments, career or study, social standing, relationships, appearance, body image, financial status, and so on.

Research has shown that self-compassion is strongly linked to our mental health and well-being. Studies have found that those who are more compassionate towards themselves tend to have fewer mental health problems, like depression, anxiety and stress. People who have self-compassion also tend to have a better quality of life, a greater sense of well-being, and fewer problems in relationships.

According to Mental Health America, codependency is a learned behaviour that often starts very early in life and is passed down within families. In fact, it is common to find multiple generations of codependent parents raising codependent children. Codependency is when people place other people at the centre of their lives, struggle and strive for the approval of others, and have no sense of self. Codependents are also people who struggle with setting boundaries and have extreme difficulty expressing or identifying what they want and need.

There is significant scientific evidence that shame is linked to addiction and plays a central role in developing and maintaining addictions and compulsions. One of the hardest things about dealing with addiction is the overwhelming sense of shame that often comes with it. Shame is not just a one-time occurrence for those who struggle with addiction; it is something that is experienced almost daily. Sometimes, the shame can feel constant and although you can’t visibly see or tangibly touch shame, it is a persistent companion for many.

In relationships, shame is a sabotaging force. Some people with deep shame issues find they have a fear of intimacy. So, they jump from one relationship to the next, or stay in one relationship but with an exhausting pattern of ‘push & pull’. In some cases, shame can lead you to stay in codependent or even abusive relationships, confirming your shameful notion you are not worthy of good things such as love. Socially, you may find you struggle to be fully yourself, always acting happier than you are, or that you have constant conflict with others that comes from your shame driven tendency to be defensive. Shame can lead to friendships with individuals who do not recognise or treat you well or relationships where you meet the needs of others and avoid your own needs.

Fear of shame is our fear of being shamed again by our boss, partner, family members, friends or parents. It has much greater control of our lives than shame itself. ​We may be afraid to hear about our mistakes or shortcomings and, in turn, become defensive or critical, possibly avoiding or lying about a situation. We become terrified of being discounted or abandoned. We control others out of fear of their disappointment or anger with us. The shame we fear most is the same type of shame we experienced in our childhood.

According to Jantz (2017), body-shaming is the act of deriding or mocking a person’s physical appearance. The scope of body shaming is wide, and can include, although is not limited to fat-shaming, shaming for thinness, height-shaming, shaming of one’s body shape, one’s muscularity (or lack thereof), shaming of looks (facial features), and in its broadest sense may even include shaming of tattoos and piercings.

The feeling of shame comes from the belief that “I am basically flawed, inadequate, wrong, bad, unimportant, undeserving or not good enough.” At some early point in our lives, most of us absorbed this false belief that causes the feeling of shame. As a result of not feeling seen, loved, valued and understood, we developed the belief that we were not being loved because there was something wrong with us. While some children were told outright that they were stupid, bad or undeserving; other children concluded that there was something wrong with them by the way they were treated.

While the words “guilt” and “shame “are used almost interchangeably, there is a big psychological difference. Shame has long been viewed as “the toxic cousin of guilt. Although shame is an emotion that is closely related to guilt, it is important to understand the differences. Both shame and guilt can have serious implications for our perceptions of ourselves and our actions towards other people, especially in situations of conflict.

Shame is a powerful emotion that has the potential to shape peoples’ lives in significant ways. Shame is so powerful that it can impact the whole trajectory of a person’s life. Because of shame’s power, it is important to understand the specific impact it has on people. In addition, it is important to consider the way out of shame.