Most of us want to enjoy life, but many of us don’t. We may look around and wonder why everyone else seems happier or more at peace, while we feel stuck. One reason this happens is shame. Shame is the voice inside that says we are not good enough, not lovable, or that something is wrong with us. It’s different from guilt. Guilt says we did something bad. Shame says we are bad. That kind of thinking can shape how we live every day, often without us even realizing it.
When we carry shame, we don’t feel safe to relax. We can’t rest in who we are because deep down we feel flawed. We may work harder than we need to, always trying to prove ourselves, or we may avoid people because we fear rejection. Shame doesn’t just make us feel bad in private. It affects how we show up in relationships, at work, in our free time, and even in how we treat ourselves. It’s hard to enjoy life when we are constantly worried that we are failing at it.
Think about this. Let’s say we are at a party. Everyone is laughing and enjoying themselves. We smile and join in, but inside we feel uncomfortable, like we don’t belong. We replay a mistake we made earlier that week or we worry that others are judging us. Even though we’re physically present, we can’t relax and feel joy. That’s what shame does. It puts a wall between us and the moment. It tells us that we are not allowed to feel good until we become perfect or fix all our flaws. But that time never comes because shame keeps moving the goalposts.
Shame also makes us fear being truly seen. We may have friends or family, but we keep parts of ourselves hidden. We don’t want others to see our fears, our struggles, or the things we feel embarrassed about. We think, “If people really knew me, they wouldn’t want to be around me.” So we wear a mask. But masks are heavy. When we carry them long enough, we become exhausted, disconnected, and alone. Enjoying life becomes impossible because we aren’t really living it. We’re performing.
Another way shame steals our joy is by making us afraid of good things. If something good happens, we feel like we don’t deserve it. If someone compliments us, we brush it off. If we get a break or a reward, we wait for it to be taken away. We live in fear of the next failure, the next disappointment, the next moment that confirms we’re not good enough. This constant tension stops us from appreciating the present. We are too busy looking over our shoulder, waiting for things to fall apart.
Imagine someone who always wanted to start a small business. They have the skills, the passion, and the opportunity. But instead of taking action, they get stuck. They tell themselves they’re not ready, that others are better, or that they’ll fail. Underneath all that is shame whispering, “You’re not capable. You’ll mess it up. People will laugh at you.” So they never try. They stay in a job they hate and wonder why they feel so lifeless. Chasing a dream stops being enjoyable, not because you can’t do it, but because shame gets in the way.
We can’t fully enjoy life if we constantly judge ourselves. Shame sets an impossible standard and tells us we’re always falling short. It pushes us to compare ourselves with others, and when we do, we always come up lacking. That’s a lie, but it’s one many of us believe. The truth is, no one is perfect. Everyone has struggles, mistakes, and regrets. But shame makes us feel like we’re the only ones who struggle and that our flaws mean we don’t deserve love or respect.
Getting free from shame takes work. It starts with recognizing the voice of shame and calling it out. When we hear that inner criticism, we need to ask ourselves, “Is this true? Or is this shame talking?” We also need to share with others. Shame grows in silence. When we talk about it with someone safe, it begins to lose power. And finally, we need to practice self-kindness. That means accepting we’re human, we make mistakes, and we are still worthy of love and good things. Enjoying life is not about being perfect. It’s about being present and allowing ourselves to feel joy without fear. Shame tries to rob us of that, but we don’t have to let it win. When we start to face our shame and refuse to let it define us, we open the door to a fuller life. A life where we can laugh, rest, connect, and chase what matters, not because we’ve earned it, but because we’re human and we deserve to enjoy our time here.
Get Support
You don’t have to deal with this alone. Shame can be addressed and understood with the right help. If you want to explore this further, book a session with Jonathan Riley at My Practice Counselling Melbourne. Take the first step toward a more peaceful and fulfilling life.
👉 Book now: https://mypracticecounselling.com.au/